I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
