i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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