I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
