Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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