A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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