I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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