My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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