I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
