youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
