Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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