Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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