I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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