thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
