He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
