I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
the raccoons are back...
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