I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
