So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
