All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
