R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
