WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
