It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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