Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
