i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
