She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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