I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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