how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
