i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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