I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
