I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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