oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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