On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
That's when you crack a 10am beer
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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