If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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