After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
