she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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