I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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