You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
