I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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