hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
