I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
