My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
ugly people sure do ruin things
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
