a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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