I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
