does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
