Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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