I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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