We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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