I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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