Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
