How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
