Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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